It's Not Me, It's You: On Rejection

Recently while perusing the internet, I came across an interesting article that, funny enough, touched on something I had been thinking about just a day or two before: everybody's least favourite experience - rejection.

Rejection comes in all forms and has happened to just about everyone. It can be overt, or more understated, but it is always painful, and often detrimental to those of us with shaky foundations of self worth.

I had been reflecting on my own experiences with rejection in the social arena - which more often happened subtly - and considering how best to move past them.

For many years, especially while I was in university, I struggled a lot with trying to fit in with certain people, and, on finding that I often couldn't, truly felt like there was something wrong with me. I spent a lot of time bashing myself, telling myself I should have done things differently - I should have spoken up more that one time, or I should have said less the other time. It took much time away from these situations as well as insight from other perspectives to help me come to terms with the way I'd been ignored or brushed aside.

And here's what I learned:

After a long time spent wondering what was wrong with me, I realized that the answer was really just nothing. If you have to fight to convince someone of your worth, then they're not worth it. If someone rejects you based on superficial reasons, then they're just not worth it.

We spend so much time asking ourselves what we're doing wrong, when in truth and in fact, we're not doing anything wrong. If someone doesn't respond to you in the way you would like, it doesn't mean you're not good enough. Sometimes it just means that the connection isn't there. Maybe they're on a different frequency; maybe you're Wifi and they're Bluetooth. Maybe the language of their heart is different from the one you speak.

Still, even after knowing this, it's hard not to grieve the feeling of being shunned, especially if it's someone you adore or look up to. That is the most difficult rejection of all. But the truth is, if these people were meant to be in your life, that connection would readily be there. And nothing you do to change yourself would make it more likely to happen.

Now, you can either mourn that, or rejoice it. Why rejoice? Because it means that there is someone else you will cross paths with who will want to be with you, whether as friends or lovers or a mentor, etc. And these people will be the ones to positively affect your lives. You can't grow into your best self if you're always chasing the people who don't care about you while ignoring the ones who do care and will do so much for you if you let them.

Chasing people is a waste of energy. You will never have to chase the things and people that are right for you.

Chasing brings negativity into your life. Anxiety from trying too hard to be liked, always wondering if you should have said that, done that, worn that. Always trying to think up ways for them to like you, usually ways that go against your very nature. The disappointment that comes over and over again when you realize that nothing you do brings you closer to them.

There is a part of you that knows when you've given too much, only to have gotten little or nothing in return. Listen to that voice that tells you it's time to stop chasing and start honouring yourself and your self worth by stepping away from them.

Let go of those who want little or nothing to do with you. They cannot see your worth anyway.

Celebrate yourself, your uniqueness, your strengths, the good you've done. Reach out to others who see the light in you, who embrace you as you are, faults and all.

Go where you are wanted, because believe me, you are.

Peace and blessings.

~

Have you ever experienced social rejection - either overtly or otherwise? How did you get past it? Let us know in the comments below!

15 Day Affirmation Challenge: Day 14 [Self Image]

I am taking part in PE's 15 Day Affirmation Challenge. For more information, click here.

Today is day 14 of the challenge (already!) and we'll be covering the topic of self image. We have already covered physical looks as part of the challenge, however, self image is a more all-encompassing trait which includes the way we think of ourselves as a whole, including looks.

"Identify at least one negative self-belief."

• One nagging thought I've always had in the back of my mind is that I'm not worthy of all the goals and dreams I have for myself, that I don't deserve, that I'm not good enough for them.

"When did this negative self-belief start?"

• As I've written in Day 2's post, I'm not entirely sure why or how I started to think this. I think perhaps it is a combination of several things including my own personality traits, the reactions of other people as well as circumstances and situations in my life. It's difficult for me to pinpoint exactly one reason or moment in my life that led to this, but I would venture to guess that it started somewhere around early teenage hood (as I was a pretty confident child, but things went downhill from secondary school), which grew and grew as I faced certain disappointments and setbacks in my life, especially in my relationships. I began to feel like everything I hoped for, no matter how small, would just not materialize in the way I wanted it to. That led me to feeling like getting anything I wanted was just too good to be true, that only luck would bring me to my goals and dreams. Then there were many times I've faced rejection (many happening in the last few years) which has led me to question my worth, and whether or not I'm good enough, for anyone, or for any goal I want to achieve. 

"Challenge this negative self-belief."

•  Well, it's certainly true that there were many things I wanted that always seemed out of my reach, and that many a time I would be hopeful for a certain outcome, only to have it go poof right in front of me. It's also true that I've had to face rejection several times, especially in the last few years which, among other experiences in university, battered my self confidence. I think the only way for redemption is to change the way I see these experiences. I have to trust that the reason things didn't go as planned was because there was a better outcome another way, even if I don't immediately see what it was. And as for the rejection, perhaps these people were not the right people for me, at that time, or ever. It's difficult to truly believe in your own worth when what feels like the whole world is telling you otherwise, but the truth is these people didn't stop and take the time to get to know me. They didn't know the core of who I am, my likes and dislikes, the deeper side of me. So it was only a shallow rejection. It tells me that they weren't worth grieving over because I was not in their hearts anyway. If someone can reject another based on a shallow perception of who they are, then they aren't worth that person's time or care or love. In the end, love has to come from myself first, and then it won't matter if people are shallow and narrow minded in their rejection.

"Create new positive beliefs."

•  I am worthy of achieving my goals and dreams. I am capable and competent and have the power to make them come true.
• I deserve loving, caring, genuine people in my life who take the time to get to know me. I deserve people who will stick around to get to know the deeper side of me and love and accept me for it.

 Themes of self image and other related things are always difficult for me, which I suppose is an indicator that there is a wound that needs healing there. It's an uphill battle, but I look forward to facing those demons and winning the war.

"I'm perfect as myself."

When Being Single Sucks and Why It Doesn't Have to Break You: The Single Woman's 30 Day Blogging Challenge Day 2

I've decided to take part in The Single Woman's 30 Day Blogging Challenge. Though I won't be covering each day, some topics are relevant to the theme of my blog. See details here. 

Today's topic is describing a time when being single really sucked.

Over the past few years, I've become increasingly comfortable with my single status. Before that, however, for a long time, especially during my teenage years and early young adulthood, I yearned constantly for a companion in my life. I was lonely, and I fed into the lie that having a boyfriend would ease my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. I thought it would cure me of my low self esteem and validate me and my existence in this life.

As I got older, and there was still no boyfriend, I began to learn just how false (and absurd!) those thoughts were. I don't remember the exact moment that it hit me, but I suddenly realized that there was so much more to life than having a significant other. Since then, I've learned, in small increments, to truly cherish my time as a single woman.

But life, being as fluid and ever-changing as it is, brought moments when I strongly desired companionship. It was with a different intent and mindset from my teenage years, but the feeling of longing was very much there.

I have found single life to be most challenging when you have fallen for someone for whom the feeling is not mutual. The moment after the butterflies have settled, your phone has still not yet buzzed, and the air is heavy with the realization that you have been rejected.

Rejection: to me, the hardest part of being single.

It doesn't have to be outright; just the notion that the one you want, doesn't want you.

It had been some time after my first major heartbreak when I laid eyes on him. It started as a silly crush, just proof that I still had the capacity to feel something for someone. As our paths crossed and diverged and crossed again over time, I fell into and out of my feelings for him; they followed me around and at some point I found myself really falling hard for him.

It frightened me.

But as ever hopeful as I am, I let myself dream about him returning my feelings. However, as fate would have it, it soon became increasingly clear that not only was this not going to happen, but he had fallen completely head over heels for someone else.

Someone else.

A wave of shame washed over me. He didn't want me. He wanted her. Why not me? Was there something wrong with me? What was I lacking? Was I not good enough?

Suddenly it wasn't just about my singleness anymore; it became a battle against myself. All my insecurities were suddenly brought to light and I couldn't shake the thought that the reason he chose her over me was because I simply was not good enough for him. This was further compounded by the fact that from the beginning, I always felt like he was out of my league.

I struggled with these thoughts for a long time. I struggled, and beat myself up for not being the cheery, outgoing, witty, over-achieving, over-involved type. I struggled, until one day a beautiful reminder came my way:

God is in control.

God is in control. And what did that mean? It means He has a plan for my life far greater than I can understand or see right now. It means that He knows what to give and what to withhold, and sometimes the latter is a blessing in disguise. It means that He, in His loving and merciful nature, would never allow me to have something that would cause needless pain and strife in my life.

It means that even when I think someone is absolutely perfect for me, He knows more than I do, what will hurt or harm me more than help me.

But beyond that, it meant that there was something better out there for me, and that something was already mine, simply awaiting God's perfect timing to reveal himself.

In time I also learned that whether someone wanted me or not was not a reflection of my worth. You are still of infinite value whether someone chooses to be with you or not.

There are still times when I struggle with myself, but I always come back to this; I allow myself to surrender to His will, and feel the peace of knowing that everything is unfolding as it should.

So maybe it wasn't really a rejection.

It was just a redirection to the path that I am truly meant to be on.

~

When has being single been difficult for you? How did you overcome it? Share in the comments below!