It's Not Me, It's You: On Rejection

Recently while perusing the internet, I came across an interesting article that, funny enough, touched on something I had been thinking about just a day or two before: everybody's least favourite experience - rejection.

Rejection comes in all forms and has happened to just about everyone. It can be overt, or more understated, but it is always painful, and often detrimental to those of us with shaky foundations of self worth.

I had been reflecting on my own experiences with rejection in the social arena - which more often happened subtly - and considering how best to move past them.

For many years, especially while I was in university, I struggled a lot with trying to fit in with certain people, and, on finding that I often couldn't, truly felt like there was something wrong with me. I spent a lot of time bashing myself, telling myself I should have done things differently - I should have spoken up more that one time, or I should have said less the other time. It took much time away from these situations as well as insight from other perspectives to help me come to terms with the way I'd been ignored or brushed aside.

And here's what I learned:

After a long time spent wondering what was wrong with me, I realized that the answer was really just nothing. If you have to fight to convince someone of your worth, then they're not worth it. If someone rejects you based on superficial reasons, then they're just not worth it.

We spend so much time asking ourselves what we're doing wrong, when in truth and in fact, we're not doing anything wrong. If someone doesn't respond to you in the way you would like, it doesn't mean you're not good enough. Sometimes it just means that the connection isn't there. Maybe they're on a different frequency; maybe you're Wifi and they're Bluetooth. Maybe the language of their heart is different from the one you speak.

Still, even after knowing this, it's hard not to grieve the feeling of being shunned, especially if it's someone you adore or look up to. That is the most difficult rejection of all. But the truth is, if these people were meant to be in your life, that connection would readily be there. And nothing you do to change yourself would make it more likely to happen.

Now, you can either mourn that, or rejoice it. Why rejoice? Because it means that there is someone else you will cross paths with who will want to be with you, whether as friends or lovers or a mentor, etc. And these people will be the ones to positively affect your lives. You can't grow into your best self if you're always chasing the people who don't care about you while ignoring the ones who do care and will do so much for you if you let them.

Chasing people is a waste of energy. You will never have to chase the things and people that are right for you.

Chasing brings negativity into your life. Anxiety from trying too hard to be liked, always wondering if you should have said that, done that, worn that. Always trying to think up ways for them to like you, usually ways that go against your very nature. The disappointment that comes over and over again when you realize that nothing you do brings you closer to them.

There is a part of you that knows when you've given too much, only to have gotten little or nothing in return. Listen to that voice that tells you it's time to stop chasing and start honouring yourself and your self worth by stepping away from them.

Let go of those who want little or nothing to do with you. They cannot see your worth anyway.

Celebrate yourself, your uniqueness, your strengths, the good you've done. Reach out to others who see the light in you, who embrace you as you are, faults and all.

Go where you are wanted, because believe me, you are.

Peace and blessings.

~

Have you ever experienced social rejection - either overtly or otherwise? How did you get past it? Let us know in the comments below!

15 Day Affirmation Challenge: Day 15 [Create Your Own Affirmation]

I am taking part in PE's 15 Day Affirmation Challenge. For more information, click here.

For the last day of the challenge, we are to create our own affirmation - one that is meaningful and special to us. If you have been following my affirmation journey, I apologize for the hiatus, as there was some busyness that took over for a short while. But I am back again and look forward to wrapping up this journey.

Although the task asked that we use one that we haven't already identified during the course of the challenge, I keep coming back to one that I've touched on more than once. And I think the reason for this is that it's the root of my struggles, and hence perhaps the most important one.

"I am worthy and capable."

From an outsider's perspective, it may seem quite simple, or even a bit dull, however, for myself, it is the seed of positive growth and change. When I sit down and think about my struggles and why it's so difficult for me to achieve certain goals I've set out for myself, I realize that the reason is because I don't think I'm worthy of achieving them. Deep down, I don't feel good enough to be or to have good. So I self sabotage, and procrastinate and do all sorts of things that cause me to fail in ways that would have otherwise enhanced the quality of my life.

Self worth, self love, self esteem - as I've mentioned previously in the challenge, these are all things I struggle with, and have done so for a long time. Although I have not yet uncovered the root of this, I now recognize this as the problem. Therefore I see it fitting to start at the root, at the beginning, of convincing myself that I am indeed worthy of all I set out to do in this life.

Above this layer of struggle, lies my struggle with self doubt. Often times I find myself thinking that I can't do something, even though I know this is not true. I consider myself to be an intelligent and thinking person, but somehow when it comes to things I desire strongly, I feel as though I can't do it. I'd like to challenge this belief by reminding myself that I am indeed capable of reaching my goals. There are literally thousands of people around the world doing what I tell myself I can't do, therefore I owe it to myself to try.

I strongly believe that these two things, worth and capability, cover most if not all of my biggest struggles, and therefore, are things I need to remind myself and eventually believe of myself in order for me to reach for and achieve my goals.

Therefore I see it as a fitting end to the affirmation challenge, and a beautiful beginning for things to come.

"I am worthy and capable."

15 Day Affirmation Challenge: Day 11 [Career]

I am taking part in PE's 15 Day Affirmation Challenge. For more information, click here.

Today's challenge is about career. As a recent university graduate, and in fact for many years prior to graduating, career options have been something I've been thinking about for a long, long time. Although I have a vague notion of what I want to do, I'm still confused as to what career I will actually fit well into. Especially now with just a BA, I don't think there is a lot of scope for what I want to do.

"Identify your ideal career."

However, ultimately I have a vision of the type of career I want; that of a helping job. I want to be able to help people, both in the short term but more so in the long term. With a BA in Psychology, I've been veering toward a career in Counseling (which needs a further degree). However, I'm not 100% set on that, plus there is pressure from parental forces who are not in complete agreement with that choice. I am also interested in the coaching field, which seems like something I may enjoy doing as well.

I would love to incorporate my love of writing into my job, and have a self development blog that can bring in income where I share my insights with others, as well as, as a more long term goal, publish a book (or several?!) on the theme of self development.

My *ultimate* dream job would somehow incorporate music into what I do. Music was my first love, the first thing I became passionate about and it's something I'm very good at. It brings a lot of joy into my life and it makes me sad to see it fall by the wayside.

Right now, in the interim between my BA and my Master's I'm considering doing a certification course in TESOL. I'm sort of dragging my feet on it, because even though it'll allow me to travel as well as to earn, I'm a bit (or very much -__-') scared of the unknown.

"Identify 3 things blocking you from pursuing your ideal career now."

•  confusion. My confusion over what I really want to do always leads thoughts about my future into a black hole. I start with the good intention of figuring it out, but then end up confused at all the things I want to do and not knowing what I should put first, or what I would actually enjoy or be good at doing. I'm a person who generally tries to follow my heart, but I've lost confidence that I actually know what that is, and to some people to whom I have to justify my decisions, this is not good enough, they want more "rational" thinking. But I don't want to do something just because it's a good idea to do it, or because it'll make a lot of money; I want to do something I'm passionate about, that I enjoy doing and that I'm good at and in which I'm actually making a difference in people's lives.
• fear/anxiety. I'm afraid of the unknown, and I'm afraid that I won't live up to my expectations, or that I fail at reaching my dreams. I'm afraid of bad things happening if I do go after my dreams. I'm afraid that I won't be any good at what I do and that I won't be making as much of a difference in people's lives as I want or in relation to the amount of time/money/resources spent on trying to do that.
•  knowledge. the first being a lack of knowledge of the ins and outs of the areas I want to have a career in. Also, for some of my future aspirations such as either becoming a coach or a counselor, I need further study in these areas.

"Identify solutions for these obstacles."

•  To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how to solve the problem around my confusion. I think perhaps one way is to find out the daily ins and outs of the lives of those in the careers I"m looking into. One way would potentially be to get in touch with these careers and with the qualifications I have or intend to get and ask them about their jobs and their responsibilities, etc.
• For the fear part of it, this is difficult because while there are larger fears that I mentioned above, I also struggle with anxiety at times, which can affect the "little" things, such as making phone calls to people I don't know, or meeting with others I haven't met before, etc. The one thing I try to do is talk to myself, and remind myself that everything is going to be okay. Even if I make a little slip up, it's not the end of the world. And I can gain a whole lot more from facing my fears than from hiding behind them. I have to act in my brave moments, before the fear takes over again. Still, it's a struggle, but one I'm trying to fight.
• I think this links back to the first solution: getting in touch with people in these careers. Having a better idea of what's involved will hopefully make it easier to figure out where my niche lies. Also, further study in the areas I want to advance in.

Clearly this is something that has been on my mind for a long time, and that has been bothering me for as long as it has. The place I get stuck is not having  a clear goal, for example, a particular role  or an organization I'd like to work for. Sometimes I think I'd like to do something, work somewhere, but then my mind goes on a series of what-ifs and more often I feel like I don't have what it takes. Perhaps the main reason behind my stagnancy in this area is my self doubt, that I'm not sure I can actually live out my dreams. For as long as I've known, I've always had this nagging feeling that I'd never get what I want. And perhaps that stops me from working towards it. I think I have past experiences where I've tried but failed at things, and I've taken that as the gospel so to speak to mean I'll fail at everything.

But that can't be true, because there are things I've succeeded at. There are things I've accomplished that I'm proud of. It's just the negative voice in my head telling me I can't do what I want. I think I have to work from the inside out in trying to change the dialogue in my head and within my self as a first step to achieving my dreams and goals.

I have to somehow make myself believe that I am worthy and I am capable.

 "I'm doing what I love, and earning lots of money doing it."

15 Day Affirmation Challenge: Day 2 [Self Love]

I am participating in PE's 15 day Affirmation Challenge. For more information, click here.

Today's challenge has to do with self love. I have been procrastinating on starting it because I know it will be a difficult one for me. But it is called a challenge for a reason so I must forge ahead.

I have always struggled with self esteem and self love issues. My whole life I've thought myself to be lesser, not good enough, unlovable and a host of other things related to the way I feel about myself. I don't know for sure why or how this started, but it has persisted throughout my life thus far, even though I have tried before to change my mindset. Over the past few years, I have had experiences which have led me to really believe all that I've been saying about myself. From my last post you would have learned that I struggled socially all through university (which was much worse than it actually sounds), and came back home with my confidence utterly bruised. This, plus other personal issues that I struggled (and still struggle with) simply compounded my negative beliefs about myself and made it that much more difficult for me to believe that there was any reason to truly love myself. 

"Identify any self hating thoughts you may have."

• I'm a loser who can't do anything right
• I hate myself
• I wish I were someone else
• I fail at everything I try
• I'm awkward and nobody likes me

 "Identify the reason behind this self hate."

 As I mentioned above, it's something I've struggled with my whole life, and to be completely honest, I'm not sure why. There have been times when berating myself badly for something, that I've had to literally stop and ask, "why do I hate myself so much?" I think it perhaps is one of those things where little moments, circumstances and situations add up to become an avalanche. I believe some of it has to do with not getting external validation from certain people in my life, perhaps at a time when I needed it most. Then cue a series of disappointing events which make you question your self worth, then you've got the whole mountain tumbling down. This all sounds very vague to anyone reading it, but life is made up of a million little moments, all with the opportunity to either build you up or break you down, and personality factors as well as environmental ones have a lot to do with the way a situation is perceived by a person.

So while I have not as yet solved the mystery behind my self hate, this has allowed me to open up a dialogue about it.

"Change your self hating thoughts."

• Although I may fail at things, failing is a normal part of being human. The important thing is that I have the courage to get up and try again.
• My life may not be perfect but nobody's is.  Perfection is a lie. The ups and downs are what make life interesting and unique. Disappointments show me how strong I am.
• I have a unique set of talents and abilities with which I can carry out my purpose in a way that nobody else on this earth can.
• I am caring, kind and compassionate; a loyal friend to those who take the time to get to know me.
• I am worthy of my own love, no matter how many mistakes I make.

"Identify your action step to love yourself today."

• I'll spend some time in prayer and reflection, thinking about the things I'm grateful for in my life.
• I will dust off the keys of my keyboard (piano) and spend some time playing, as I've been neglecting it for far too long.
• I will get an early night's rest.

Today's challenge was very difficult for me. Self love is a painful topic for me, since I struggle with it so much. There have been and still are so many things I would like to change about myself, in terms of improving my skills, my habits, the way I spend my time, etc. and for a long time I hated myself for it. But I've realized that you can't hate your way to positive change. Change has to come from a place of  love and acceptance. Ironically, we have to love ourselves as we are, accept where we are in life, to be able to make the changes we want to make.

The goal should never be perfection. The goal is to be better than we were yesterday. And that starts with loving who we are today.

"I love myself unconditionally."

What I Love About and Learned From Being Single

 I've decided to take part in The Single Woman's 30 Day Blogging Challenge. Though I won't be covering each day, some topics are relevant to the theme of this blog. See details here. 

Today's topic is to describe a day or moment when being single was really awesome.

The moment that I truly love being single, is in those quiet moments after you've made it through a difficult heartbreak, and you realize you're okay again. There is a lightness in your heart, a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you are breathing easy again. You're at peace again.

Other than that, it's more general. Sometimes I come home and just enjoy the peace of being able to do my own thing, cook what I want, read, listen to music, whatever, without having to make room for someone else's schedule. There are some moments when you just need that freedom to do what you want, when you want. I think what I enjoy most about being single is the peace of living at my own pace, making my own choices. I can focus fully on my needs and do what's right or best for me at that moment. I enjoy the freedom of being able to do what I want, or NOT do something that I don't want to, without significantly impacting another person close to me.

I like being single because I don't have to seek someone else's approval when I want to do something. I don't have to check in with someone if I don't feel like it that day. I can go somewhere alone without having to explain myself. I don't have to worry about arguments or fights over silly things. I can have all the alone time I want and need.

In addition, my single years have taught me some important things:

1. Who I am. Your teenage and young adulthood years are some of the most important formative years of your life. If you tangle your identity with someone else's at a tender age, you lose the opportunity to learn who you are, distinct and separate from everyone else. Getting to know yourself is a critical step in life; it allows you to develop your core values, what you stand for and what you won't put up with, and this ultimately guides all your decisions in life. Sure, we change as time goes by. Maybe you hated broccoli as a kid and now can't go a day without eating it. I was once convinced I could never write a poem; now I have written dozens, some I am very proud of. Self-awareness allows you to track the changes in your life; it helps in knowing when you're progressing or not, whether you're growing or shrinking and gives you the opportunity to do something about it.

2. What I am capable of. There are times when you need to stand alone to truly appreciate your strength as an individual. I'm sure you have been surprised at some point at some of the things you managed to get through on your own but didn't think you could. If you learn from too early on to lean on someone, you run the risk of becoming dependent on them, or crashing and burning when there's no one in their position to lean on. Trust yourself; you are much more capable than you believe yourself to be.

3. Where my worth should come from. And where is that? Me. Only from me. It's definitely something I am still learning, but not having someone else to constantly tell me how beautiful I am, how lucky they are to have me etc. (or whatever boyfriends are supposed to say) forces me to look within for my worth. I learn to tell myself I'm beautiful without cringing (a work-in-progress), I learn to remind myself how capable I am, and what I have been through on my own, I learn to value and acknowledge my strengths and talents so that in the midst of people coming into and out of my life, I am the constant. I am my worth.

4. The importance of faith and spirituality. This ties in heavily to the previous point concerning worth. I'll embarrassingly admit that when I was a teenager, I really wanted a boyfriend because I thought if someone loved me, it would validate me somehow. But guess what? You've already been validated. You are validated by your very existence, not by whether people see you, love you or not. Even if you're still single, never been kissed, never been looked in the eye by someone you adore, you have still been validated because you have been created, crafted by God, He who does nothing without intent or purpose.

Beyond that, being single for so long has allowed me to learn that it is not in romantic relationships that we should be putting our faith and whole hearts into, but instead pouring ourselves fully into a relationship with God and loving Him the way He should be loved. By no means am I perfect at this (or even close; I am very much a work-in-progress in this area), but I am much more aware now of the way our culture emphasizes romantic love as the most important thing in life, to be sought after regardless of consequence. The reason we keep getting hurt so badly time after time is because we keep putting our hearts in the wrong places. By all means, love people, but love God more. Be aware of the reasons you get into relationships. They won't fill your voids. Only God can do that.

5. What I want, in a relationship and in life. In getting to know yourself, your likes, dislikes, quirks, habits, etc. you are better equipped to know what qualities you want in a life partner. It's also helpful to learn from others around you who have been in relationships. Listening to your friends' issues concerning their own relationships can lead to insight into your own needs or values. For example, what issues were you most bothered by? What was your friend upset about that you thought wasn't a big deal? etc. Even platonic friendships can help in this area; what do  you value most in your friendships? What behaviours hurt or anger you?

Being single is a wonderful time to make some goals for your future. It's helpful to know what you want, and have something to work toward so that you keep that zeal and motivation for life. Having a clear idea of where you want to be helps keep you going day after day. Of course, those goals might change or need to be modified if you meet someone along the way, but it's better to know what you're compromising on, and take an active part in your life's course, rather than be swept away in someone else's idea of what life should be like.


If you use them wisely, your single days can be some of the best times of your life. Don't let anyone put you down or make you feel like you're not good enough just because you're not coupled. Remember that you are worth so much more than whether someone wants you or not. We all have a purpose to fulfill, and sometimes being single is integral to that. If you took all the energy you use into despairing about your singleness, analyzing it, trying to "fix" it, and instead put it into something worthwhile and meaningful, you could accomplish great and wonderful things.

Embrace yourself, your life and the plan God has for you.

You are enough.

~

What about you? When has being single been a great experience for you? Share in the comments below!

When Being Single Sucks and Why It Doesn't Have to Break You: The Single Woman's 30 Day Blogging Challenge Day 2

I've decided to take part in The Single Woman's 30 Day Blogging Challenge. Though I won't be covering each day, some topics are relevant to the theme of my blog. See details here. 

Today's topic is describing a time when being single really sucked.

Over the past few years, I've become increasingly comfortable with my single status. Before that, however, for a long time, especially during my teenage years and early young adulthood, I yearned constantly for a companion in my life. I was lonely, and I fed into the lie that having a boyfriend would ease my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. I thought it would cure me of my low self esteem and validate me and my existence in this life.

As I got older, and there was still no boyfriend, I began to learn just how false (and absurd!) those thoughts were. I don't remember the exact moment that it hit me, but I suddenly realized that there was so much more to life than having a significant other. Since then, I've learned, in small increments, to truly cherish my time as a single woman.

But life, being as fluid and ever-changing as it is, brought moments when I strongly desired companionship. It was with a different intent and mindset from my teenage years, but the feeling of longing was very much there.

I have found single life to be most challenging when you have fallen for someone for whom the feeling is not mutual. The moment after the butterflies have settled, your phone has still not yet buzzed, and the air is heavy with the realization that you have been rejected.

Rejection: to me, the hardest part of being single.

It doesn't have to be outright; just the notion that the one you want, doesn't want you.

It had been some time after my first major heartbreak when I laid eyes on him. It started as a silly crush, just proof that I still had the capacity to feel something for someone. As our paths crossed and diverged and crossed again over time, I fell into and out of my feelings for him; they followed me around and at some point I found myself really falling hard for him.

It frightened me.

But as ever hopeful as I am, I let myself dream about him returning my feelings. However, as fate would have it, it soon became increasingly clear that not only was this not going to happen, but he had fallen completely head over heels for someone else.

Someone else.

A wave of shame washed over me. He didn't want me. He wanted her. Why not me? Was there something wrong with me? What was I lacking? Was I not good enough?

Suddenly it wasn't just about my singleness anymore; it became a battle against myself. All my insecurities were suddenly brought to light and I couldn't shake the thought that the reason he chose her over me was because I simply was not good enough for him. This was further compounded by the fact that from the beginning, I always felt like he was out of my league.

I struggled with these thoughts for a long time. I struggled, and beat myself up for not being the cheery, outgoing, witty, over-achieving, over-involved type. I struggled, until one day a beautiful reminder came my way:

God is in control.

God is in control. And what did that mean? It means He has a plan for my life far greater than I can understand or see right now. It means that He knows what to give and what to withhold, and sometimes the latter is a blessing in disguise. It means that He, in His loving and merciful nature, would never allow me to have something that would cause needless pain and strife in my life.

It means that even when I think someone is absolutely perfect for me, He knows more than I do, what will hurt or harm me more than help me.

But beyond that, it meant that there was something better out there for me, and that something was already mine, simply awaiting God's perfect timing to reveal himself.

In time I also learned that whether someone wanted me or not was not a reflection of my worth. You are still of infinite value whether someone chooses to be with you or not.

There are still times when I struggle with myself, but I always come back to this; I allow myself to surrender to His will, and feel the peace of knowing that everything is unfolding as it should.

So maybe it wasn't really a rejection.

It was just a redirection to the path that I am truly meant to be on.

~

When has being single been difficult for you? How did you overcome it? Share in the comments below!