It's Not Me, It's You: On Rejection

Recently while perusing the internet, I came across an interesting article that, funny enough, touched on something I had been thinking about just a day or two before: everybody's least favourite experience - rejection.

Rejection comes in all forms and has happened to just about everyone. It can be overt, or more understated, but it is always painful, and often detrimental to those of us with shaky foundations of self worth.

I had been reflecting on my own experiences with rejection in the social arena - which more often happened subtly - and considering how best to move past them.

For many years, especially while I was in university, I struggled a lot with trying to fit in with certain people, and, on finding that I often couldn't, truly felt like there was something wrong with me. I spent a lot of time bashing myself, telling myself I should have done things differently - I should have spoken up more that one time, or I should have said less the other time. It took much time away from these situations as well as insight from other perspectives to help me come to terms with the way I'd been ignored or brushed aside.

And here's what I learned:

After a long time spent wondering what was wrong with me, I realized that the answer was really just nothing. If you have to fight to convince someone of your worth, then they're not worth it. If someone rejects you based on superficial reasons, then they're just not worth it.

We spend so much time asking ourselves what we're doing wrong, when in truth and in fact, we're not doing anything wrong. If someone doesn't respond to you in the way you would like, it doesn't mean you're not good enough. Sometimes it just means that the connection isn't there. Maybe they're on a different frequency; maybe you're Wifi and they're Bluetooth. Maybe the language of their heart is different from the one you speak.

Still, even after knowing this, it's hard not to grieve the feeling of being shunned, especially if it's someone you adore or look up to. That is the most difficult rejection of all. But the truth is, if these people were meant to be in your life, that connection would readily be there. And nothing you do to change yourself would make it more likely to happen.

Now, you can either mourn that, or rejoice it. Why rejoice? Because it means that there is someone else you will cross paths with who will want to be with you, whether as friends or lovers or a mentor, etc. And these people will be the ones to positively affect your lives. You can't grow into your best self if you're always chasing the people who don't care about you while ignoring the ones who do care and will do so much for you if you let them.

Chasing people is a waste of energy. You will never have to chase the things and people that are right for you.

Chasing brings negativity into your life. Anxiety from trying too hard to be liked, always wondering if you should have said that, done that, worn that. Always trying to think up ways for them to like you, usually ways that go against your very nature. The disappointment that comes over and over again when you realize that nothing you do brings you closer to them.

There is a part of you that knows when you've given too much, only to have gotten little or nothing in return. Listen to that voice that tells you it's time to stop chasing and start honouring yourself and your self worth by stepping away from them.

Let go of those who want little or nothing to do with you. They cannot see your worth anyway.

Celebrate yourself, your uniqueness, your strengths, the good you've done. Reach out to others who see the light in you, who embrace you as you are, faults and all.

Go where you are wanted, because believe me, you are.

Peace and blessings.

~

Have you ever experienced social rejection - either overtly or otherwise? How did you get past it? Let us know in the comments below!

15 Day Affirmation Challenge: Day 13 [Health]

I am taking part in PE's 15 Day Affirmation Challenge. For more information, click here.

Today's task is concerning health. Lately I have been becoming increasingly aware of the need to keep my body healthy and fit, including both nutrition and exercise. It is something I have struggled with my whole entire life, and which keeps falling apart whenever I start something new. However, as I'm becoming more aware of potential lifestyle diseases, especially some that run in our family, I want to take extra care to take care of myself - body and mind - and nutrition and exercise are a major part in doing so. I want to be fit and healthy for as long as I live, and not be plagued by illnesses that could have been avoided if I had only started to take care of my health earlier in life.

"Identify at least one negative health habit you currently have."

• I have many, but I will just post a couple. I have utterly horrible sleeping patterns. I have tried many times to get back in sync, but it always falls back into a bad cycle. 
• I don't exercise enough.

"Identify reasons supporting each negative habit."

• Since young, I've had abnormal sleep patterns, but the problem got worse in university when I was on my own schedule and when stress, anxiety and depression crept up on me. Now it's a hard habit to break, because of how long it's been going on. Since I've been home from university, it's been especially bad since I haven't yet found a job and hence don't have a "reason" to get up early in the morning. Sadly it causes my mood to plummet and makes me irritable, but even on those nights I am in bed early, I tend to lie there awake for several hours before falling asleep, then in the mornings, it is excruciatingly difficult to wake up, no matter how many hours I've slept.
• Sometimes the reason is sheer laziness. Other times it's because I haven't planned my day properly and end up just having eaten when I had previously intended to exercise. Also, with the bad sleeping patterns, I also don't eat properly and this causes dizziness when I do try to exercise. Another reason is that when I start looking up for exercises to do, I get overwhelmed by all the different kinds and what they're good for.

 "Identify steps to correct each negative habit."

• I have tried many things to help this, but nothing has worked yet. However, I will begin again, and try to be in bed at least by midnight, and will try the melatonin again. I will attempt to stop using electronics at least an hour before bed. Unfortunately I don't have a chair that fits well at my desk so I'm stuck using my laptop on my bed. Hopefully in the future I'll be able to get a chair that is tall enough for my desk.
• The first step to this is correcting my sleeping. Then I will make a plan for what exercise I am going to do for the week or month. In the meantime, I can also focus on low intensity exercises, such as weights, that will hopefully not make me dizzy.

Health and nutrition are something I have been wanting to get right for so very long now. It's so easy to fall back into bad habits just because they're easy or because you forget you had planned to do things differently. Visual reminders will help, as well as making a list of healthy recipes to try, as well as the various exercises I would like to try in order to meet my fitness goals. I have to remind myself that I am worthy of my dream level of fitness, and I am capable of making this dream a reality.

"I am growing healthier and stronger every day."
 

Letting Go and Moving On: Why Is It Necessary?

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Letting go and moving on. Arguably the most difficult thing we must do as humans. It is also, however, vital and necessary to living our best lives. How? In life, nothing is constant; it is a series of phases, of seasons one after the other that we move through, each with a purpose, each meant to teach us something. We move from high school to university to the work place. We move from singleness, to a relationship and back again. We move from darkness to light, from ignorance to enlightenment, and so forth. Some transitions are natural and inevitable; some we have to choose for ourselves.

Much of our suffering comes from trying to hold on to something that no longer serves a purpose in our lives. We think something is meant to be with us forever, so we grasp tightly to it, ignoring the warning signs and making excuses for the pain it causes us. We think that holding on is easier than letting go, that you're not strong enough to live without the object of your desire. But if you don't ever give yourself a chance to find out, how will you know?

It is indeed terrifying to think of leaving behind something or someone who has been an important part of your life. It is tempting to keep replaying all the good times and use that as proof that you shouldn't let go of it, but even the worst of relationships have good times.

In my case, what I struggled with letting go of was the person I fell in love with for the first time. In my lifetime, he was and still is the only person I would say I loved (in the romantic sense). The intensity of my feelings, coupled with my irrational belief that we were meant to be and the fact that life kept throwing us together, caused me to truly believe I couldn't let him go. At my lowest point, I didn't want to. But time proved to me again and again that I was only hurting myself more by holding on. Life was beginning to nudge me to make the decision to let go and move on. In my heart of hearts, I knew it was the right thing to do.

So I took the plunge. 

I began the process of letting go and moving on. And if you had told me a year and a half ago that today I would be the happiest I ever was without him, I would not have believed you. But here I am, on my own, blessed by knowing real, true joy, all because I made the decision to let go.

Every season of our life is meant not only to teach us something, but to prepare us for the next phase. Every single experience we encounter, no matter how good or bad, is necessary for us to become who we are meant to be. They give us the tools that are necessary for us to fulfill our unique purpose.

We can't move ahead and keep growing if we hold on to things that are no longer serving us. We can't fulfill our destiny if we are stuck in the past. 

Listen to the still, quiet voice that is telling you it is time to move on.  Trust that you are strong enough, brave enough, and simply enough on your own, to live a beautiful, happy and fulfilling life. Trust that this ending is the beginning of a new and wonderful phase of your life, one that you could not have experienced if you chose to hang on to the past. Trust that there is something better for you in the future that can come only as a result of letting go.

Nothing is this life is permanent; this is just the nature of life. The sooner we embrace this, the quicker we end our needless suffering. Because while we can dwell on the fact that happy times may not last, we can just as well rejoice in knowing that the dark times will end, the heaviness will lift, and your sun will rise again.

Be blessed.

~

In future posts, I will be exploring the phenomena of letting go and moving on in more detail. I hope you'll stick around!

20 Things I Learned From a Broken Heart: Part II

This is the second installment of a two-part post. Read the first part here.

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• I've learned to be wary of people who think they know themselves completely and are not open to feedback from others. I've learned to be wary of those who feel they don't need the help and support of others. No matter how independent we are, as social creatures, we simply cannot survive happily or healthily without the support of others. None of us will ever have all the answers, not about love, life or even ourselves. Thus, it's important to be open to other perspectives. Beyond that, it's important to let yourself be vulnerable and let your walls down around the people who care about you. It's the only way to form truly deep connections.
• I've learned that some people come into your life as a blessing, but some come as a test. Every single person who has ever crossed your path was put there with a purpose. No matter how brief the interaction, or how painful, they were there for a reason. After a heartbreak is a good time to reflect on the lessons you learned from the experience, or otherwise try to see what good came out of it. In the midst of pain and anger, it can be all too easy to dismiss this fact, as I did previously. However, if you quiet your mind, and your raging emotions for a moment, and open yourself to the possibilities, the answers will come to you.
• I've learned that life is choice. You actively choose whether to let someone back into your life, whether you realize it at the time or not. If you find that history is repeating itself and you're back in the same place with the same person, you can usually pinpoint the exact moment you let them back in. It helps to be aware of your catalysts; sometimes it means making the difficult decision to say no to someone.
• I've learned that even when you're at your lowest point, and hope and faith have all but disappeared, it's still possible to rise up and be okay again, be more than okay again. It's possible to be happy again. You will make your way out of the dark and there will be a lightness in your heart again, even if you can't believe it right now. 
• I've learned that you probably never stop loving him or missing him, at least not for some time, but every once in a while, especially in your weaker moments, it's worth reminding yourself why you made the decision to let go, and reaffirm your belief that you did the right thing for you.
•  I've learned that if he isn't willing to fight for you, then he isn't worthy of your love. There is no simpler way to say it. If he wants to be in your future, he will make the effort in the present.
•  I've learned that my feelings and emotions are as valid as anyone else's and I have the right to speak up when something bothers me. I will not be stepped on. If you are constantly walking on eggshells around someone, or always weighing your words for fear of their anger or disapproval, this may be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Depending on circumstances, the best thing to do may be to let them go.
• I've learned that you need to love yourself and respect yourself enough to know when to walk away. What you put up with, is what will continue. If you don't speak up about the way you are being treated, it won't stop. And if talking does nothing, then it's time to walk. Remember your worth. You're worth SO much more than second class treatment.
• I've learned that I'm strong on my own, and I don't need a man to come save me. The biggest lie we are told as females is that we are helpless, and need to wait for our knight in shining armor to come save us. Whether you are in a relationship or not, newly single or perpetually so, you are strong and capable. You are competent and worthy and you have the ability to create a beautiful life of your own. Claim it.

•  I've learned that life is SO MUCH MORE than romantic relationships, and it's such a waste to sit around tearfully waiting for someone to sweep you off your feet. GO LIVE. There's a whole WORLD out there. DO something with your life. Do something for yourself. You're more than worth it.
  
  Sometimes it is the most difficult decisions that lead us to our best selves. In the midst of your pain and heartache, it can be easy to be drawn back to something or someone who is not right for you, just to fill the void in you. But in being still and listening to your inner voice, you will know which path to take. And yes, it will likely be the more difficult one, but the destination will be more than worth it. With time and patience for both the journey and yourself, you will begin to see why it was necessary. Take the leap of faith, and you will be at peace again.

20 Things I Learned From a Broken Heart: Part I

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 One night, during a particularly trying time in my life, I was seething about how unfair life had been. I was still reeling from the loss of someone I had given my whole heart to. After years of investing my time, thoughts and emotions on him, I ended up empty handed and hurt in the worst way I had ever known. Frustratedly, I questioned what his purpose was in my life. What was the point? What did I even gain from it all?

What did I gain? As I sat there, that question began answering itself.  I realized that although the outcome was a painful one, there were valuable lessons to be learned from it.

I learned:

• The utmost importance of communication in any kind of relationship. Many relationships break down because of a lack of effective communication. Communication is a two way street, and consists of both talking and listening. If there is a problem, speak up. Not talking about an issue doesn't make it go away; it just builds resentment until someone explodes, at which point it's difficult to take back the damage. Likewise, if someone raises an issue concerning the relationship, listen without judgement, and let go of the need to defend yourself. If you are afraid of speaking up for fear of what the other person may say or do, this may be a sign that the relationship is not a healthy one, and it may be time to consider stepping away from the person.
• The importance of open-mindedness and honesty. This is an extension of the point above. Relationships thrive on trust and honesty. It helps to be honest with the other person, especially concerning the way their behaviour may be affecting you. Open-mindedness in this context refers to the ability to accept what the other person says as their truth, and being able to accept feedback from them, for example, if they were hurt by something you did, don't discount their feelings by saying they shouldn't feel that way. Be humble, take responsibility for your actions, and move on.
• A relationship is a two-way street and there needs to be giving and taking by both parties. If you find yourself doing all or most of the work, then it's time to reconsider your role in this person's life.
• My worth, and how I ought to be treated. Sometimes it takes being treated unfairly to truly realize your worth. Sometimes you need to experience what you don't want in a relationship, before you know what you do want, and what you cannot compromise on.
• It's important to think twice about who you give of yourself to. It should be someone who would appreciate and cherish every bit of you, even your less-than-perfect parts.
• Sometimes it takes a long while to really get to know someone, and most times it's worth the wait, before you decide whether or not you want a future with them. 
•  You can't control what people think or understand by what you've said. And that's no reflection of who you are. You have nothing to prove to anyone, as long as your conscience is clear and your intentions are pure. If someone doesn't believe what you say when you are telling the truth, it's a reflection of who they are and the way they see the world, which is something we cannot change. And it's your decision whether you keep those people around or not. If someone is constantly "misunderstanding" you, misinterpreting you, twisting your words and manipulating you, you are better off letting them go.
• If someone truly cared about you, and wants to be a part of your life, they would make the effort to keep friendship alive. Real friends know the value of the word 'sorry'. I've learned that talk is cheap; if you want to know how someone really feels about you, pay attention to their actions. When words and actions contradict, believe the actions. They speak truer and more loudly and clearly than any words. 
• If someone loves you, they would show it. I've learned to appreciate when people do show gestures of love, and I've learned to wait for the one who is not afraid to show me that he loves me. If you are confused by his behaviours, then he doesn't love you.
• Love knows no reason, no logic, but that doesn't mean it's meant to be. It's easy to romanticize your feelings for someone. For a long time I battled with my feelings, convinced that the way I felt showed that we were "meant to be" despite the (many) odds. I hid behind my delusions until it became so painful that I had no choice but to face reality. It is a difficult and painful task, but you owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself about your situation. It will hurt immensely at first, but in the long run awaits real joy and happiness, and your true destiny.

Read Part II here!

Say Hello to Hope

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As humans, we can't escape the occasional, or sometimes perpetual showers of hardship and hurt in this life. Just as happiness is a natural part of life, so is sadness, and in those moments, or phases of our lives, it helps to read an encouraging word or uplifting message to pull us out of the fog. It may or may not solve our problem, but it lends a bit of hope that this season of sadness will not last forever, and we will soon see sunshine again.

Hope. That word is the reason I've decided to start this blog. After my own experience of living in darkness, it was the re-discovery of hope and faith that started me on my healing journey and propelled me to better days. My goal in sharing my words is to spread hope to those who need an extra push along the way, a reminder that they are not alone and in the midst of darkness, the belief that things will get better. 

Additionally, I look forward to connecting with readers with whom my words resonate, and building an open-minded, respectful and caring community.

My posts will be based upon my ideas, beliefs and perspectives which I have cultivated throughout my life thus far. Hence, I don't claim to have all the answers, or even an answer. Instead, I intend to simply bring my own unique voice and perspective to the realm of blogging with the intention of allowing you the reader to perhaps see a different point of view and new way of thinking about things.

I believe in living deeply, truly and authentically, and my posts will reflect that.

I hope you will join me on this journey, as it will be as much of an experience for me as a writer, as for you, the reader.

I look forward to connecting with you all!

And remember, there is always hope.

Peace and blessings.