It's Not Me, It's You: On Rejection

Recently while perusing the internet, I came across an interesting article that, funny enough, touched on something I had been thinking about just a day or two before: everybody's least favourite experience - rejection.

Rejection comes in all forms and has happened to just about everyone. It can be overt, or more understated, but it is always painful, and often detrimental to those of us with shaky foundations of self worth.

I had been reflecting on my own experiences with rejection in the social arena - which more often happened subtly - and considering how best to move past them.

For many years, especially while I was in university, I struggled a lot with trying to fit in with certain people, and, on finding that I often couldn't, truly felt like there was something wrong with me. I spent a lot of time bashing myself, telling myself I should have done things differently - I should have spoken up more that one time, or I should have said less the other time. It took much time away from these situations as well as insight from other perspectives to help me come to terms with the way I'd been ignored or brushed aside.

And here's what I learned:

After a long time spent wondering what was wrong with me, I realized that the answer was really just nothing. If you have to fight to convince someone of your worth, then they're not worth it. If someone rejects you based on superficial reasons, then they're just not worth it.

We spend so much time asking ourselves what we're doing wrong, when in truth and in fact, we're not doing anything wrong. If someone doesn't respond to you in the way you would like, it doesn't mean you're not good enough. Sometimes it just means that the connection isn't there. Maybe they're on a different frequency; maybe you're Wifi and they're Bluetooth. Maybe the language of their heart is different from the one you speak.

Still, even after knowing this, it's hard not to grieve the feeling of being shunned, especially if it's someone you adore or look up to. That is the most difficult rejection of all. But the truth is, if these people were meant to be in your life, that connection would readily be there. And nothing you do to change yourself would make it more likely to happen.

Now, you can either mourn that, or rejoice it. Why rejoice? Because it means that there is someone else you will cross paths with who will want to be with you, whether as friends or lovers or a mentor, etc. And these people will be the ones to positively affect your lives. You can't grow into your best self if you're always chasing the people who don't care about you while ignoring the ones who do care and will do so much for you if you let them.

Chasing people is a waste of energy. You will never have to chase the things and people that are right for you.

Chasing brings negativity into your life. Anxiety from trying too hard to be liked, always wondering if you should have said that, done that, worn that. Always trying to think up ways for them to like you, usually ways that go against your very nature. The disappointment that comes over and over again when you realize that nothing you do brings you closer to them.

There is a part of you that knows when you've given too much, only to have gotten little or nothing in return. Listen to that voice that tells you it's time to stop chasing and start honouring yourself and your self worth by stepping away from them.

Let go of those who want little or nothing to do with you. They cannot see your worth anyway.

Celebrate yourself, your uniqueness, your strengths, the good you've done. Reach out to others who see the light in you, who embrace you as you are, faults and all.

Go where you are wanted, because believe me, you are.

Peace and blessings.

~

Have you ever experienced social rejection - either overtly or otherwise? How did you get past it? Let us know in the comments below!

15 Day Affirmation Challenge: Day 15 [Create Your Own Affirmation]

I am taking part in PE's 15 Day Affirmation Challenge. For more information, click here.

For the last day of the challenge, we are to create our own affirmation - one that is meaningful and special to us. If you have been following my affirmation journey, I apologize for the hiatus, as there was some busyness that took over for a short while. But I am back again and look forward to wrapping up this journey.

Although the task asked that we use one that we haven't already identified during the course of the challenge, I keep coming back to one that I've touched on more than once. And I think the reason for this is that it's the root of my struggles, and hence perhaps the most important one.

"I am worthy and capable."

From an outsider's perspective, it may seem quite simple, or even a bit dull, however, for myself, it is the seed of positive growth and change. When I sit down and think about my struggles and why it's so difficult for me to achieve certain goals I've set out for myself, I realize that the reason is because I don't think I'm worthy of achieving them. Deep down, I don't feel good enough to be or to have good. So I self sabotage, and procrastinate and do all sorts of things that cause me to fail in ways that would have otherwise enhanced the quality of my life.

Self worth, self love, self esteem - as I've mentioned previously in the challenge, these are all things I struggle with, and have done so for a long time. Although I have not yet uncovered the root of this, I now recognize this as the problem. Therefore I see it fitting to start at the root, at the beginning, of convincing myself that I am indeed worthy of all I set out to do in this life.

Above this layer of struggle, lies my struggle with self doubt. Often times I find myself thinking that I can't do something, even though I know this is not true. I consider myself to be an intelligent and thinking person, but somehow when it comes to things I desire strongly, I feel as though I can't do it. I'd like to challenge this belief by reminding myself that I am indeed capable of reaching my goals. There are literally thousands of people around the world doing what I tell myself I can't do, therefore I owe it to myself to try.

I strongly believe that these two things, worth and capability, cover most if not all of my biggest struggles, and therefore, are things I need to remind myself and eventually believe of myself in order for me to reach for and achieve my goals.

Therefore I see it as a fitting end to the affirmation challenge, and a beautiful beginning for things to come.

"I am worthy and capable."

15 Day Affirmation Challenge: Day 14 [Self Image]

I am taking part in PE's 15 Day Affirmation Challenge. For more information, click here.

Today is day 14 of the challenge (already!) and we'll be covering the topic of self image. We have already covered physical looks as part of the challenge, however, self image is a more all-encompassing trait which includes the way we think of ourselves as a whole, including looks.

"Identify at least one negative self-belief."

• One nagging thought I've always had in the back of my mind is that I'm not worthy of all the goals and dreams I have for myself, that I don't deserve, that I'm not good enough for them.

"When did this negative self-belief start?"

• As I've written in Day 2's post, I'm not entirely sure why or how I started to think this. I think perhaps it is a combination of several things including my own personality traits, the reactions of other people as well as circumstances and situations in my life. It's difficult for me to pinpoint exactly one reason or moment in my life that led to this, but I would venture to guess that it started somewhere around early teenage hood (as I was a pretty confident child, but things went downhill from secondary school), which grew and grew as I faced certain disappointments and setbacks in my life, especially in my relationships. I began to feel like everything I hoped for, no matter how small, would just not materialize in the way I wanted it to. That led me to feeling like getting anything I wanted was just too good to be true, that only luck would bring me to my goals and dreams. Then there were many times I've faced rejection (many happening in the last few years) which has led me to question my worth, and whether or not I'm good enough, for anyone, or for any goal I want to achieve. 

"Challenge this negative self-belief."

•  Well, it's certainly true that there were many things I wanted that always seemed out of my reach, and that many a time I would be hopeful for a certain outcome, only to have it go poof right in front of me. It's also true that I've had to face rejection several times, especially in the last few years which, among other experiences in university, battered my self confidence. I think the only way for redemption is to change the way I see these experiences. I have to trust that the reason things didn't go as planned was because there was a better outcome another way, even if I don't immediately see what it was. And as for the rejection, perhaps these people were not the right people for me, at that time, or ever. It's difficult to truly believe in your own worth when what feels like the whole world is telling you otherwise, but the truth is these people didn't stop and take the time to get to know me. They didn't know the core of who I am, my likes and dislikes, the deeper side of me. So it was only a shallow rejection. It tells me that they weren't worth grieving over because I was not in their hearts anyway. If someone can reject another based on a shallow perception of who they are, then they aren't worth that person's time or care or love. In the end, love has to come from myself first, and then it won't matter if people are shallow and narrow minded in their rejection.

"Create new positive beliefs."

•  I am worthy of achieving my goals and dreams. I am capable and competent and have the power to make them come true.
• I deserve loving, caring, genuine people in my life who take the time to get to know me. I deserve people who will stick around to get to know the deeper side of me and love and accept me for it.

 Themes of self image and other related things are always difficult for me, which I suppose is an indicator that there is a wound that needs healing there. It's an uphill battle, but I look forward to facing those demons and winning the war.

"I'm perfect as myself."

15 Day Affirmation Challenge: Day 8 [Physical Looks]

I am taking part in PE's 15 Day Affirmation Challenge. For more information, click here.

Today's task concerns physical looks. I would like to think I'm not overly concerned, or at least not obsessed with my looks. However, I will admit that like most people, I fall prey to insecurities regarding the way I look at times.

"Rate yourself on your physical looks on a scale of 1 to10."

• I will be honest and say this feels totally awkward for me. I am typically opposed to being asked to rate people, and although I know the purpose of this exercise is not the same as if someone were to ask me to rate someone else on physical appearance, it still feels a bit uncomfortable. I think I will settle on a 6.

"Is this score 10/10? Why not?"

• Definitely not a 10/10. Perhaps I am comparing myself to my ideal self, or to others with features I sometimes wish I had. Also, I find that for every feature I like about myself, there is something that counters it. For example, although I love my hair, it has become very thin lately and is quite flat and takes very long to grow. I love my large eyes, but long-term sleep trouble has caused them to look tired all the time. Etc. etc.

 "Examine your reflection"

At this point I realize that many times on looking in the mirror, I'd be quick to point out a particular flaw (my cheeks are so fat), or something more general (wow, you look like sh*t today!) and even as I was doing the exercise I found myself criticizing my flaws. In fact, the more I looked at my reflection, the worse I felt. I'm surprised at how difficult this actually felt because for most of my life, I considered myself fairly pretty (at least on my terms) and I didn't bother too much with how I looked or any of my individual features. But I think the past few years' struggle has really pulled me down in so many areas of my life that I'm even struggling with something I thought I was okay with. I actually glimpsed today's task and thought I'd be able to do it fairly quickly and easily, but now I'm seeing that there is something buried beneath that feeling of security I thought I had about my looks.

I think it's not necessarily about being beautiful, but about accepting yourself fully no matter how you look. Perhaps it was just easier to accept my looks when I liked how I looked as opposed to now that I'm a little older and not as blemish-free as I was before.

But I do think it's something I shall have to work on some more, especially as I am only going to be getting older and my features will definitely be changing as I age.

"I'm beautiful just the way I am."

 

15 Day Affirmation Challenge: Day 2 [Self Love]

I am participating in PE's 15 day Affirmation Challenge. For more information, click here.

Today's challenge has to do with self love. I have been procrastinating on starting it because I know it will be a difficult one for me. But it is called a challenge for a reason so I must forge ahead.

I have always struggled with self esteem and self love issues. My whole life I've thought myself to be lesser, not good enough, unlovable and a host of other things related to the way I feel about myself. I don't know for sure why or how this started, but it has persisted throughout my life thus far, even though I have tried before to change my mindset. Over the past few years, I have had experiences which have led me to really believe all that I've been saying about myself. From my last post you would have learned that I struggled socially all through university (which was much worse than it actually sounds), and came back home with my confidence utterly bruised. This, plus other personal issues that I struggled (and still struggle with) simply compounded my negative beliefs about myself and made it that much more difficult for me to believe that there was any reason to truly love myself. 

"Identify any self hating thoughts you may have."

• I'm a loser who can't do anything right
• I hate myself
• I wish I were someone else
• I fail at everything I try
• I'm awkward and nobody likes me

 "Identify the reason behind this self hate."

 As I mentioned above, it's something I've struggled with my whole life, and to be completely honest, I'm not sure why. There have been times when berating myself badly for something, that I've had to literally stop and ask, "why do I hate myself so much?" I think it perhaps is one of those things where little moments, circumstances and situations add up to become an avalanche. I believe some of it has to do with not getting external validation from certain people in my life, perhaps at a time when I needed it most. Then cue a series of disappointing events which make you question your self worth, then you've got the whole mountain tumbling down. This all sounds very vague to anyone reading it, but life is made up of a million little moments, all with the opportunity to either build you up or break you down, and personality factors as well as environmental ones have a lot to do with the way a situation is perceived by a person.

So while I have not as yet solved the mystery behind my self hate, this has allowed me to open up a dialogue about it.

"Change your self hating thoughts."

• Although I may fail at things, failing is a normal part of being human. The important thing is that I have the courage to get up and try again.
• My life may not be perfect but nobody's is.  Perfection is a lie. The ups and downs are what make life interesting and unique. Disappointments show me how strong I am.
• I have a unique set of talents and abilities with which I can carry out my purpose in a way that nobody else on this earth can.
• I am caring, kind and compassionate; a loyal friend to those who take the time to get to know me.
• I am worthy of my own love, no matter how many mistakes I make.

"Identify your action step to love yourself today."

• I'll spend some time in prayer and reflection, thinking about the things I'm grateful for in my life.
• I will dust off the keys of my keyboard (piano) and spend some time playing, as I've been neglecting it for far too long.
• I will get an early night's rest.

Today's challenge was very difficult for me. Self love is a painful topic for me, since I struggle with it so much. There have been and still are so many things I would like to change about myself, in terms of improving my skills, my habits, the way I spend my time, etc. and for a long time I hated myself for it. But I've realized that you can't hate your way to positive change. Change has to come from a place of  love and acceptance. Ironically, we have to love ourselves as we are, accept where we are in life, to be able to make the changes we want to make.

The goal should never be perfection. The goal is to be better than we were yesterday. And that starts with loving who we are today.

"I love myself unconditionally."