When Being Single Sucks and Why It Doesn't Have to Break You: The Single Woman's 30 Day Blogging Challenge Day 2

I've decided to take part in The Single Woman's 30 Day Blogging Challenge. Though I won't be covering each day, some topics are relevant to the theme of my blog. See details here. 

Today's topic is describing a time when being single really sucked.

Over the past few years, I've become increasingly comfortable with my single status. Before that, however, for a long time, especially during my teenage years and early young adulthood, I yearned constantly for a companion in my life. I was lonely, and I fed into the lie that having a boyfriend would ease my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. I thought it would cure me of my low self esteem and validate me and my existence in this life.

As I got older, and there was still no boyfriend, I began to learn just how false (and absurd!) those thoughts were. I don't remember the exact moment that it hit me, but I suddenly realized that there was so much more to life than having a significant other. Since then, I've learned, in small increments, to truly cherish my time as a single woman.

But life, being as fluid and ever-changing as it is, brought moments when I strongly desired companionship. It was with a different intent and mindset from my teenage years, but the feeling of longing was very much there.

I have found single life to be most challenging when you have fallen for someone for whom the feeling is not mutual. The moment after the butterflies have settled, your phone has still not yet buzzed, and the air is heavy with the realization that you have been rejected.

Rejection: to me, the hardest part of being single.

It doesn't have to be outright; just the notion that the one you want, doesn't want you.

It had been some time after my first major heartbreak when I laid eyes on him. It started as a silly crush, just proof that I still had the capacity to feel something for someone. As our paths crossed and diverged and crossed again over time, I fell into and out of my feelings for him; they followed me around and at some point I found myself really falling hard for him.

It frightened me.

But as ever hopeful as I am, I let myself dream about him returning my feelings. However, as fate would have it, it soon became increasingly clear that not only was this not going to happen, but he had fallen completely head over heels for someone else.

Someone else.

A wave of shame washed over me. He didn't want me. He wanted her. Why not me? Was there something wrong with me? What was I lacking? Was I not good enough?

Suddenly it wasn't just about my singleness anymore; it became a battle against myself. All my insecurities were suddenly brought to light and I couldn't shake the thought that the reason he chose her over me was because I simply was not good enough for him. This was further compounded by the fact that from the beginning, I always felt like he was out of my league.

I struggled with these thoughts for a long time. I struggled, and beat myself up for not being the cheery, outgoing, witty, over-achieving, over-involved type. I struggled, until one day a beautiful reminder came my way:

God is in control.

God is in control. And what did that mean? It means He has a plan for my life far greater than I can understand or see right now. It means that He knows what to give and what to withhold, and sometimes the latter is a blessing in disguise. It means that He, in His loving and merciful nature, would never allow me to have something that would cause needless pain and strife in my life.

It means that even when I think someone is absolutely perfect for me, He knows more than I do, what will hurt or harm me more than help me.

But beyond that, it meant that there was something better out there for me, and that something was already mine, simply awaiting God's perfect timing to reveal himself.

In time I also learned that whether someone wanted me or not was not a reflection of my worth. You are still of infinite value whether someone chooses to be with you or not.

There are still times when I struggle with myself, but I always come back to this; I allow myself to surrender to His will, and feel the peace of knowing that everything is unfolding as it should.

So maybe it wasn't really a rejection.

It was just a redirection to the path that I am truly meant to be on.

~

When has being single been difficult for you? How did you overcome it? Share in the comments below!

20 Things I Learned From a Broken Heart: Part II

This is the second installment of a two-part post. Read the first part here.

Photo by me

• I've learned to be wary of people who think they know themselves completely and are not open to feedback from others. I've learned to be wary of those who feel they don't need the help and support of others. No matter how independent we are, as social creatures, we simply cannot survive happily or healthily without the support of others. None of us will ever have all the answers, not about love, life or even ourselves. Thus, it's important to be open to other perspectives. Beyond that, it's important to let yourself be vulnerable and let your walls down around the people who care about you. It's the only way to form truly deep connections.
• I've learned that some people come into your life as a blessing, but some come as a test. Every single person who has ever crossed your path was put there with a purpose. No matter how brief the interaction, or how painful, they were there for a reason. After a heartbreak is a good time to reflect on the lessons you learned from the experience, or otherwise try to see what good came out of it. In the midst of pain and anger, it can be all too easy to dismiss this fact, as I did previously. However, if you quiet your mind, and your raging emotions for a moment, and open yourself to the possibilities, the answers will come to you.
• I've learned that life is choice. You actively choose whether to let someone back into your life, whether you realize it at the time or not. If you find that history is repeating itself and you're back in the same place with the same person, you can usually pinpoint the exact moment you let them back in. It helps to be aware of your catalysts; sometimes it means making the difficult decision to say no to someone.
• I've learned that even when you're at your lowest point, and hope and faith have all but disappeared, it's still possible to rise up and be okay again, be more than okay again. It's possible to be happy again. You will make your way out of the dark and there will be a lightness in your heart again, even if you can't believe it right now. 
• I've learned that you probably never stop loving him or missing him, at least not for some time, but every once in a while, especially in your weaker moments, it's worth reminding yourself why you made the decision to let go, and reaffirm your belief that you did the right thing for you.
•  I've learned that if he isn't willing to fight for you, then he isn't worthy of your love. There is no simpler way to say it. If he wants to be in your future, he will make the effort in the present.
•  I've learned that my feelings and emotions are as valid as anyone else's and I have the right to speak up when something bothers me. I will not be stepped on. If you are constantly walking on eggshells around someone, or always weighing your words for fear of their anger or disapproval, this may be a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Depending on circumstances, the best thing to do may be to let them go.
• I've learned that you need to love yourself and respect yourself enough to know when to walk away. What you put up with, is what will continue. If you don't speak up about the way you are being treated, it won't stop. And if talking does nothing, then it's time to walk. Remember your worth. You're worth SO much more than second class treatment.
• I've learned that I'm strong on my own, and I don't need a man to come save me. The biggest lie we are told as females is that we are helpless, and need to wait for our knight in shining armor to come save us. Whether you are in a relationship or not, newly single or perpetually so, you are strong and capable. You are competent and worthy and you have the ability to create a beautiful life of your own. Claim it.

•  I've learned that life is SO MUCH MORE than romantic relationships, and it's such a waste to sit around tearfully waiting for someone to sweep you off your feet. GO LIVE. There's a whole WORLD out there. DO something with your life. Do something for yourself. You're more than worth it.
  
  Sometimes it is the most difficult decisions that lead us to our best selves. In the midst of your pain and heartache, it can be easy to be drawn back to something or someone who is not right for you, just to fill the void in you. But in being still and listening to your inner voice, you will know which path to take. And yes, it will likely be the more difficult one, but the destination will be more than worth it. With time and patience for both the journey and yourself, you will begin to see why it was necessary. Take the leap of faith, and you will be at peace again.