Today's task concerns physical looks. I would like to think I'm not overly concerned, or at least not obsessed with my looks. However, I will admit that like most people, I fall prey to insecurities regarding the way I look at times.
"Rate yourself on your physical looks on a scale of 1 to10."
- I will be honest and say this feels totally awkward for me. I am typically opposed to being asked to rate people, and although I know the purpose of this exercise is not the same as if someone were to ask me to rate someone else on physical appearance, it still feels a bit uncomfortable. I think I will settle on a 6.
- Definitely not a 10/10. Perhaps I am comparing myself to my ideal self, or to others with features I sometimes wish I had. Also, I find that for every feature I like about myself, there is something that counters it. For example, although I love my hair, it has become very thin lately and is quite flat and takes very long to grow. I love my large eyes, but long-term sleep trouble has caused them to look tired all the time. Etc. etc.
At this point I realize that many times on looking in the mirror, I'd be quick to point out a particular flaw (my cheeks are so fat), or something more general (wow, you look like sh*t today!) and even as I was doing the exercise I found myself criticizing my flaws. In fact, the more I looked at my reflection, the worse I felt. I'm surprised at how difficult this actually felt because for most of my life, I considered myself fairly pretty (at least on my terms) and I didn't bother too much with how I looked or any of my individual features. But I think the past few years' struggle has really pulled me down in so many areas of my life that I'm even struggling with something I thought I was okay with. I actually glimpsed today's task and thought I'd be able to do it fairly quickly and easily, but now I'm seeing that there is something buried beneath that feeling of security I thought I had about my looks.
I think it's not necessarily about being beautiful, but about accepting yourself fully no matter how you look. Perhaps it was just easier to accept my looks when I liked how I looked as opposed to now that I'm a little older and not as blemish-free as I was before.
But I do think it's something I shall have to work on some more, especially as I am only going to be getting older and my features will definitely be changing as I age.
"I'm beautiful just the way I am."