I've decided to take part in The Single Woman's 30 Day Blogging Challenge. Though I won't be covering each day, some topics are relevant to the theme of my blog. See details here.
Today's topic is describing a time when being single really sucked.
Over the past few years, I've become increasingly comfortable with my
single status. Before that, however, for a long time, especially during
my teenage years and early young adulthood, I yearned constantly for a
companion in my life. I was lonely, and I fed into the lie that having a
boyfriend would ease my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. I
thought it would cure me of my low self esteem and validate me and my
existence in this life.
As I got older, and there was still no
boyfriend, I began to learn just how false (and absurd!) those thoughts
were. I don't remember the exact moment that it hit me, but I suddenly
realized that there was so much more to life than having a significant
other. Since then, I've learned, in small increments, to truly cherish
my time as a single woman.
But life, being as fluid and
ever-changing as it is, brought moments when I strongly desired
companionship. It was with a different intent and mindset from my
teenage years, but the feeling of longing was very much there.
have found single life to be most challenging when you have fallen for
someone for whom the feeling is not mutual. The moment after the
butterflies have settled, your phone has still not yet buzzed, and the
air is heavy with the realization that you have been rejected.
Rejection: to me, the hardest part of being single.
It doesn't have to be outright; just the notion that the one you want, doesn't want you.
had been some time after my first major heartbreak when I laid eyes on
him. It started as a silly crush, just proof that I still had the
capacity to feel something for someone. As our paths crossed and
diverged and crossed again over time, I fell into and out of my feelings
for him; they followed me around and at some point I found myself
really falling hard for him.
It frightened me.
But as ever
hopeful as I am, I let myself dream about him returning my feelings.
However, as fate would have it, it soon became increasingly clear that
not only was this not going to happen, but he had fallen completely head
over heels for someone else.
A wave of
shame washed over me. He didn't want me. He wanted her. Why not me? Was
there something wrong with me? What was I
lacking? Was I not good enough?
Suddenly it wasn't just about my singleness anymore; it
became a battle against myself. All my insecurities were suddenly
brought to light and I couldn't shake the thought that the reason he
chose her over me was because I simply was not good enough for him. This was further compounded by the fact that from the beginning, I always felt like he was out of my league.
struggled with these thoughts for a long time. I struggled, and beat
myself up for not being the cheery, outgoing, witty, over-achieving,
over-involved type. I struggled, until one day a beautiful reminder came
God is in control.
God is in control. And what
did that mean? It means He has a plan for my life far greater than I can
understand or see right now. It means that He knows what to give and
what to withhold, and sometimes the latter is a blessing in disguise. It
means that He, in His loving and merciful nature, would never allow me
to have something that would cause needless pain and strife in my life.
means that even when I think someone is absolutely perfect for me, He
knows more than I do, what will hurt or harm me more than help me.
beyond that, it meant that there was something better out there for me,
and that something was already mine, simply awaiting God's perfect
timing to reveal himself.
In time I also learned that whether someone wanted me or not was not a reflection of my worth. You are still of infinite value whether someone chooses to be with you or not.
There are still times when I struggle
with myself, but I always come back to this; I allow myself to surrender
to His will, and feel the peace of knowing that everything is unfolding
as it should.
So maybe it wasn't really a rejection.
It was just a redirection to the path that I am truly meant to be on.
When has being single been difficult for you? How did you overcome it? Share in the comments below!